Yesterday we hit 11 degrees celsius and today it's supposedly warming up to 16 (that's 51.8 and 61.8 degrees Fahrenheit, respectively ... I'm slowly and proudly getting to used to the metric system). And it was sunny. When I left the house for a run in my full-blown, Wisconsin winter football-proof Under Armour turtleneck and ankle length tights, I instantly regretted my apparel decision. But, I was so happy to see the sun and feel the warm (okay, semi-warm) wind across my face that I didn't even care. I might have been sweating my metaphorical "cojones" off, but it was above freezing; it wasn't raining, snowing, or sleeting; and the river is unflooded, so I could run on my usual path. Qué alivio.
You have to pardon my incessant mentioning of the weather here. People in Spain talk about the weather A LOT, more so than we do back home. David says it's "the comfortable conversation." I completely agree.This is especially true for me, as a foreigner. I don't know a lot of people well enough to have really meaningful conversations (and when I do my lack of vocabulary usually results in my failure to come up with any particularly profound responses), so I end up talking about the weather quite often. However, the recent weather, and changes in thereof, have a more symbolic and deeper meaning to me. Spring has sprung (fingers crossed, knock on wood;
I had a false alarm two weeks ago and then last week we plummeted back down to sub-zero, meaning sub 32° F, temperatures; not that I should complain). And I feel like I am coming out of hibernation.
Both the weather and the events of the last couple of weeks have me awakening from my slumber, so to speak. Being away from home for so long has gotten to be really hard and the fact that I'm not enjoying my position at the high school 100% was only adding insult to injury. But fortunately I've had some people around me who help the situation. More than anyone, David, who has been to visit me twice in the last three weeks, always makes me feel better.I also got really luck and Lindsay was able to travel up from Málaga
to visit me another weekend. I got to show her around Valladolid and we traveled to Segovia to see the famous aqueducts.
There is nothing like seeing your best friend to remind you you're not alone. I've been hanging out with my new roommate, Joanne, more and she is great. (I'm not going to lie, it's really good to be living with another girl. And, just to dispel the myths- she showers AND shaves her armpits, people hahaha). Through her I've met some other foreigners in Valladolid which has been marvelous. I've also been getting to know more people at work and I've been hanging out more with some friends I met last semester. And, thank God for Skype, so I can actually talk to my parents... All of this has helped me to get on the path to a slow recovery from the funk I've been in ever since I got here.
When I think about all that I've been up to since I arrived to Spain, it's unbelievable. I've been doing so many fun/crazy/ridiculously incredible things, but I feel like I haven't gotten the most out of it or felt what I've should, because all of it has been underwritten by this enormous sense of anxiety and guilt I've felt everyday since I arrived.
Anxiety: from the period of my life which I find myself in--recently graduated from college and still no firm plan for the future, after the massive crisis of deciding I don' t want to pursue medical school. And despite all the help I've received from people who I care a lot about, I still couldn't decide on a grad school program in time to apply for next year.
Guilt: from not having that miracle plan for happiness and success worked out yet. And then more anxiety.
Anxiety: because things didn't turn out the way I thought they would here. I was expecting some glorious life-changing experience (like the first time I was in Spain, or my time in South America, for example). But I've been so disappointed by the people and the education system here, that not only do I feel unfulfilled by my work, I don't feel the same way about this country as I used to.
Guilt: because if I'm not enjoying my work as much as I had planned, in the end it just becomes like any other old job, like one I could be doing at home. At home, where all my friends and family are who I love so much. And then more guilt because I'm not with them and I have such a hard time staying in touch with everyone with the little free time I have. And then I worry that people will think I don't care about them anymore... and then more anxiety, and more guilt, and more anxiety, and more guilt, and so on...
But now that I am aware of this viscious cycle I can start to overcome it. I've been thinking a lot about staying in Spain one more year (since my grant is renewable for up to 3 years), and I've decided that if they send me somewhere in the north then I will stay. And I believe the decision to stay here is a good one. I can't leave the country I used to love so much with a such bad taste in my mouth. And although I said that I don't feel completely fulfilled by work, I know this experience is making me into a better, stronger person.
So, for me the change in weather is symbolic of the changes of my own mental state. What's more, I think the sunny warm air and the blossoming trees are pushing me through to the other side . And I know that by the time the school year is over I will come out okay. I know I will.
I'll leave you now with some inspiration from a song by two of my favorite Spanish artists. It's about some southerners who have ventured up north to live and they suffer a lot during the winter months from the cold. In the end it's really about how much they suffer away from home. However, they say they will return again one day ("ya no puedo quedarme aquí") a little worse for the wear, but better people for having gone in the first place.
Después (Los Delinqüentes con Bebe)
Después
Del humo negro
Hay que ser valiente y despertar
Y vivir
Como vive la gente
Hay que ser valiente, amigo
Yo tengo que volar
No, ya no puedo quedarme aquí
Si tú quieres quédate tú
Esta vida no es para mí
Yo quiero vivir
Con amor
Con mi gente abajito del sol
Con las olas y el amanecer
Como un niño jugando otra vez
Sin parar de correr.... después.
Estoy embrujado
Y ladro como un perro
Yo me siento un animal
La oscuridad me puede y me lleva
Si me aburro miento
Yo solito me abro las heridas
Sin idea yo retengo el destino
de mi pobre vida
Yo no quiero malos rencores
Sólo busco todas las salidas
Libertad que me espera más allá del sur
Te digo que no
Yo no puedo quedarme aquí
Si tú quieres quédate tú
Esta vida no es para mi
Yo quiero vivir...
Con amor
Con mi gente abajito del sol
Con las olas y el amanecer
Como un niño jugando otra vez
Sin parar de correr...
Después
De un largo tiempo escondido
Todo oscuro con hambre y muerto de frío
Sin nada que hacer
Tan sólo esperar
Busco libertad amigo mío, tengo que volar
Tengo que volar, tengo que volar...
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